Life is water, let it flow

I have now come to the unshakeable conclusion that no matter how many chances you get to revisit your decisions from the past, your life will be the same as it is today.

Every once in a while, and especially after my first child, the question about how life would have been different makes an appearance. And it's no coincidence that the question always comes up either when I'm starting to write another beautiful powerpoint deck or getting ready to take the kids out a weekend. Thereby transporting me into an utterly miserable state of distraction from where only the worst outcomes emerge. 

I knew this question had to be resolved or at the least fool my brain into ticking it off so I could focus on what lay ahead.

The genre of time-loop movies came to the rescue. Back when it was released, Run Lola Run and Groundhog Day were great entertainment pieces. They never made you think about anything else except the entertainment itself. Strangely enough, after a point in life they do make you think about everything else except the entertainment. 

So I started my immersion into the genre, re-watching the older movies and then watching the newer ones on Netflix like Two Distant Strangers, The Russian Doll and our desi version Loop Lapeta. What really helped was the end of the movie called Dobaara. While it isn't exactly a time-loop movie as it's a time travel movie, the end of the movie was the clincher where the lead character tells her husband  that no matter which world he was in, he would be unhappy with his marriage. There's obviously the need to watch the movie to understand the weight of the dialogue but that was it for me. 

A conclusion that no matter what, life will present the same box of chocolates no matter which way you get to it! 

A person's basic character determines how they make decisions. By the time one reaches a point in life when they are making consequential decisions themselves, a basic character has formed in full. All that means is that when presented with choices, the basic character will prevail. And if you are lucky to get the opportunity to go back in time and change the choice you made, then good for you. In a few years another choice making point will present itself which will take you back to where you are today. 

I'm in no way saying that the exact same position that one is in right now, was destined to happen. I am right now typing on my desktop, sitting in my home office in KL, covid+ and in a general state of bewilderment and uncertainty about my future. 

I go back 10 years and change the decision I made to take up a job overseas or for that matter change a decision from 4 years ago when I decided against taking up another job that paid 2x. Granted, that I would not be typing on my desktop, sitting in my home office in KL, covid+ BUT I would definitely be in the exact state of mind and battling the same basic questions albeit in different conditions. 

When I thought of putting this down on paper, I had a grand idea that I would during the course of penning this down, land at a brilliant way of thinking about life. Something so good that when I re-read it I would be marveling at my stellar intellectual capability. 

None of that happened. 

All that happened was I pushed myself closer to resuming the habit of writing.